The Kingston Frontenacs Guide To Media Photo Ops

From the folks who brought you “Filling Seats At A Brand New Arena,” and “Winning A Playoff Round Within A Decade,” the hit new instructional series!

The Kingston Frontenacs Guide To Media Photo Ops

Step 1: Pretend Something That Everyone Expected To Happen Is A Big Deal

Sure, it might’ve been well known for months that your number one pick was going to sign. Sure, there’s no variance in OHL entry level deals that would’ve made the signing an accomplishment. But nonetheless, invite the entire local media to a bland, nondescript room, to observe an event that takes all of two minutes to plan and execute. This will help justify later photo ops when the arena adds a new soft drink to the fountain machines.

NOTE: If you’re not in a media market where an instruction to “jump!” is not replied to by reporters with “how high?’, skip step one.

Step 2: Ensure Comically Different Levels Of Dress Between The Participants

Nothing looks worse than coordination. Make sure that nobody is aware of what the other person will be wearing; the resulting casual/formal mix will exhude the kind of league-leading professionalism that organizations like ours are known for.

Step 3: Have Someone Frown For No Apparent Reason

On a happy occasion, nothing spoils it more than having everyone smiling widely. Have your general manager look like he wants to kill whoever is taking the picture.

Step 4: Encourage Random Passersby To Be In The Background

To create some intrigue, place completely unrelated people in the pictures. The media will be in a frenzy trying to deduce the identity of the mystery background people!

The full series of Kingston Frontenacs guides, including “Overcharging Your Most Loyal Fans,” “Never Developing Your Own Goalies,” and “Treating Your Longtime Coaches Like Garbage,” can be found in a Whig-Standard box near you!

Now you’re just nit-picking

There was a time not so long ago — 2008! — when the Frontenacs would not have a training camp roster posted on August 22nd. Still, and we hate to be a bother (well, not Ding, he gets off on being a bother the way Eric Clapton got off on ’57 Chevys and screaming guitars), but we noticed:

It’s OK. E-R-I-K Gudbranson is only the Frontenacs’ best defenceman and a likely first round choice in the NHL draft next year. It’s not so important that the name be spelled correctly in an official team release.

In terms of bush-league screwups, the team’s front office is already in midseason form.

• Remember when there was much hue and cry over acquiring Peterborough Petes captain Zach Harnden for a third-round draft choice? Harnden is not on the training camp roster. Harnden is reported as coming, though. Maybe Harnden has a “Brett Favre clause” in his contract and doesn’t have to go to camp.
• This is actual news: Corbin Crawford and Zack Fenwick, who were regulars on defence last season, do not appear. This is consistent with talk throughout the summer that they would leave rather than attempt to come back as overagers (and true to form, the Frontenacs will have 4 overagers in camp and all of them are forwards).
• The same goes for 19-year-old forward Stephen Francella. He and Fenwick are apparently headed to the University of Toronto.
• Goalie Nathan Perry is “Nathan Pery.” It’s OK, he’s only a hometown kid whose name has been in the paper for years.
• Rookie Matthew Wintjes is now “Mathew Winthes.”

Anyway, we’re really looking forward to the season. Honest.

In the words of Douglas MacArthur…

“I shall return.”

Another season, another year of sycophantic Kingston media. Our work clearly is not done.

We look forward to following another year of Limestone foibles with you, dear readers.

Lavid Ding

General mangler flunks another Mav-th class

If you can’t understand what is wrong with your team, you’re lost already:

“We’re looking at a team that only scored 200 goals last season. You don’t win in our league with 200 goals. We need some goal scorers.” — His Royal Mavesty (Rhymes With), in today’s Mavda

Somewhere there is a town where the local fishwrap employs actual journalists who can do actual analysis and actually challenge the factually challenged on their bullflop.

Ding’s knee-jerk response would be to point out the Frontenacs had a goal scorer, Josh Brittain, and traded him to Barrie, which despite the addition of said goal scorer, went out four straight in the playoffs. The Ottawa 67′s had goals scorers out the proverbial wazoo and they’re done for the season.

The eight teams still alive in the playoffs scored an average of 251.25 goals this season. They allowed an average of 207.5.

The Frontenacs scored 200, so they were 51 below the average of a second-round team offensively.

The Frontenacs gave up 278 goals, so they were 71 goals worse than the average second-round team defensively.

Of course, the best defence is a good offence. The Frontenacs had such a bad goal differential in part since they had such a poor concept of team play, especially at organizing an attack. You can have all the finishers in the world, but if the team’s constantly hemmed in behind its own blueline because of poor organization, the puck is not going to get on those goal scorers’ sticks.

Meantime, the Niagara IceDogs, who scored a whopping 213 goals this season, and the Mississauga St. Michaels Majors, whose 229 must make them an offensive juggernaut, are still alive in the playoffs. The Saginaw Spirit found a way to finish third in the West while scoring only 235 goals.

The Belleville Bulls allowed 102 fewer goals this season than Kingston. Goalie Mike Murphy was a big part of that, so was having a defenceman such as P.K. Subban and so was having a lot of two-way forwards.

The bottom line: When you have a quality organization with good people running it, good coaching and accountable players, the goal scoring will take care of itself. It doesn’t take the losingest coach-GM in major junior hockey to figure it out, but somehow the losingest coach and GM in major junior hockey cannot figure it out.

Not astute at all,

LK

Neil Shorthouse’s new career: Starring in a remake of ‘The Fall Guy’

It isn’t the supreme allied doofus, Doug Market Square. It isn’t his permanent interim GM, His Royal Mavesty (Rhymes With…). Nope, the culprit for the Frontenacs having the worst record in the OHL over the past two seasons, including their scintillating 18 wins in 68 games this season (hey, stop complaining, that’s more than one out of four!), is the K-Rock Pot’s marketing guy, a bloke by the name of Neil Shorthouse. He’s been pink-slipped, turfed, terminated, excommunicated, shit-canned, what have you.

Now we can blame him for everything, or might as well. There will be ice skating in hell before Doug Springer and Larry Mavety step up and take responsibility, or condescend to take questions from Kingston city council. They are always blameless, brainless, classless and clueless,

It’s all OK now. It’s clear now everything can be put on Neil Shorthouse.

It’s his fault the Frontenacs went 18-40-10 (thank god for those charity points).

It’s his fault that Springer thinks the people of Kingston should build houses of worship in his honour for having the only team to miss the OHL playoffs each of the past two seasons.

It’s his fault that the Kingston media cheerleaders believe winning 10 of your final 27 games after you’ve been all but mathematically eliminated actually gives hopes for next season.

It’s his fault the Frontenacs have had a 35-point drop in the standings from ’05-06 to ’08-09 (even though Acturus SMG had no ties to the team until late last season; quiet, I’m going somewhere with this).

It’s his fault Larry Mavety twice traded for players who were out of the league (and in one case, out of the country).

It’s his fault Doug Springer believes Mavety is an “astute hockey man.”

It’s his fault the Fronts had the worst power play in the league.

It’s his fault the Fronts had the worst penalty killing in the league. Why couldn’t Shorthouse come down from his office and teach the boys a few things when he saw that the coaches weren’t?

It’s his fault that Kingston fans have to look up to Shelbyville, uh, Belleville. (By the way, Luke Pither, who got the Bulls’ first goal last night, is an ex-Front, while Eric Tangradi, who got their last two, was a sixth-round pick, taken well after some guys who never played in Kingston, even for the Voyageurs.)

It’s his fault celebrity coach Doug Gilmour doesn’t speak any language so good (“The trades that were made, I did.”).

It’s his fault that Mavety passed over the best goalie in the OHL, Kingston-born Mike Murphy, twice in the draft.

It’s his fault that Kingston has gone 11 straight years without advancing past the first round of playoffs and still, the general manager gets a new contract.

This is the kind of logic, loosely speaking, you have to follow to remain sane in Kingston. Springer and Mavety are the biggest impediments to the Frontenacs being a winning team and to the majority of Kingston proudly flocking to the K-Rock Centre. Good luck ever hearing such an admission for these two clowns, or hearing anyone in Kingston outside of Mark Potter and Tim Cunningham, the first explainers, call them on their idiocy.

Who knows why Shorthouse was turfed. It is clear that the same Mavety-go-round that’s played in Kingston for the past few summers is returning (yay! bring the kids!). Everyone’s going to keep up the charade that all the problems with the K-Rock Centre’s lower than projected profits are due to the recession or El Nino, not the fact the owner and general manager are in way over their heads.

Is it “resign” or “re-sign,”

LK

What a turnaround! Or not…

Fronts under Larry Mavety: 5-13-5 (.326)

Fronts under Doug Gilmour: 13-27-5 (.344)

Total: 18-40-10 (.338)

The league’s worst playoff team had a .434 winning percentage.

This team did not start playing like Jesus when Doug Gilmour took over. I hate to spoil the parade of accomplishment after this godawful season, but a celebrity coach is not what overrides the stupidity of the way this team is managed at the highest levels. You need a heck of a lot more than that and we fans should be demanding a hell of a lot more than that!

I’m shocked to see everyone pretending we became some kind of OHL powerhouse as soon as Gilmour took over! It just didn’t happen!

Gilmour could be a great coach, but that doesn’t mean His Royal Mavesty deserves to keep his job or that there is a shred of intelligence in the barren wasteland that is the brain of Doug Market Square.

The Doofus-in-Chief promised he’d do “whatever it takes” to bring a winner to Kingston. The fact they won more than 1 game does not qualify you as that! Nor does a .344 winning percentage!

Am I the only person who realizes this stuff?!
Frustratingly yours,
Lavid Ding

At least they learned from one mistake…

Skip ahead to 1:04 of this video. The Fronts’ PA announcer is pretty clearly instructed to gloss over His Royal Mavesty (Rhymes With)‘s name to prevent anyone in the crowd from booing. It’s not just a conspiracy theory; there are clear, natural pauses after introducing both Kilrea and Jeff Stilwell.

Of course, that all stems from an earlier pregame ceremony in which team owner Doug Market Square was given his own introduction as he walked out on the ice, and deservedly received a cacophony of boos from the sparse crowd in attendance.

So apparently the Frontenacs can change. Just only in ways that help the upper management doofuses, not in ways that reward the fans that have suffered through their reign of idiocy.

LD

Two points back in the Cave for Catenacci

Games … we’ve lost count … 772, 773, 774 & 775 of the Frontenacs Held Hostage
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Ottawa 5, Kingston 4 (dans le shootout)

Sunday, March 8,2009
Kingston 4, Barrie 3 (shootout)

Saturday, March 7, 2009
Mississauga St. Michael’s 4, Kingston 3

Friday, March 6, 2009
Sudbury 4, Kingston 1

Well, it was almost 10 degrees out one day last and we saw our first sundress of the season the other day down by the Queen’s campus,* which rarely happens when the Frontenacs are still playing hockey. That has more to do with the nice weather we were having than anything about Doug Market Square or His Royal Mavesty (Rhymes With…), but ssssh, don’t tell them, they’re this close to being nominated for the first annual Kevin Federline awards for people who walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.

What have we seen lately of the Frontenacs while we were ditching school with our best girlfriend and often depressed best buddy? Nothing good, really, or at least not enough to suggest it will be any different in 2009-10. The Frontenacs have managed to earn 5 points in their last 4 games, meaning with any luck, they will manage to draft No. 2 overall, meaning they might have a better chance at taking any one of 5 or 6 players who might actually report. Now, if the 21st or 41st player selected turns out to be a star, though, it will show the idiocy of putting on this push to finish with a record that’s more artificially enchanced than a Playboy centerfold.

The point is that Larry Mavety remains as esconsced as he’s ever been. You can get a lawyer disbarred, you can get a teacher fired, you can even get Lavid Ding‘s picture on “America’s Most Wanted” as an April Fools joke, but you can’t get Larry Mavety out of the GM’s chair in Kingston after 12 sucktacular seasons. That’s insanity. We don’t care how much time he’s spent shaping the perfect ass groove, it’s time for him to go, and maybe Mr. Market Square should consider selling the club.

If tonight’s game against the 67′s was an indicator, you’ll see the same bailout saves by the goalies, the breakdowns in defensive coverage, general lack of cohesion (how many times did Springer’s prize pomeranian, Brian Lashoff, take off on a 1-on-3 rush while the three forwards were changing) and relying on your few playmakers up front to play above their heads.

The game pretty much only got to overtime thanks to the 11 kinds of awesome Ethan Werek, who made a beauty setup to Colt Kennedy for a goal and scored the tying goal in the dying seconds for the second game in a row. (This time he even had to shoot the puck into the net rather than having it go off him and in, but the scoreboard only counts, it does not measure.)

There are 3 games left, Peterborough Thursday, OshawaFriday and then at Ottawa Sunday in the final game for Brian Kilrea. We won’t say that if it’s proof it’s time for Kilrea to leave if he honestly believes (as he told Mavda) his old friend Larry Mavety has  “built a good young team.” However, the Frontenacs are not good or young and Larry Mavety is still in the team picture for the foreseeable future.

That’s the reality. Instead we hear about what happened 30 years ago, not what’s going to happen next year with the first-round draft choice, the GM who should have been gone 10 years ago or the several hundred season ticket holders who might not be back next season.

(* As in we were parked across the street from KCVI. We get older, they stay the saaaaaame age.)

Same ol’ same ol’,

LK

Doomed to the Mavth degree!

Games 769, 770 & 771 of the Frontenacs Held Hostage
Friday, Feb. 27-Sunday, March 1, 2009
London 7, Kingston 2
Sarnia 2, Kingston 1
Kingston 4, Peterborough 2

Between periods on Sunday, Rogers Sportsnet had a feature on Frontenacs goalie Mavric Parks, who’s such a big fan of Kingston’s own The Tragically Hip that he has Gord Downie depicted on his mask.

Blue Rodeo lyrics might be more appropriate: “And all your riches won’t mean a thing someday.” It could apply to London coach Dale Hunter, for showing absolutely no class by having his superstar John Tavares out on the power play with a minute to go in a 7-2 game in hope that he could get a cheap goal to bring him closer to Peter Lee‘s all-time OHL record. (Parks, understandably ticked, started after Tavares at the final buzzer and got a stick in the mark for his trouble.)

It also applies to Kingston owner Doug Market Square, who figures just because he has money, he doesn’t have to listen to the fans and can just come back with His Royal Mavety (Rhymes With…) as the General Malaiser. The Frontenacs were mathematically eliminated today, which means for the 11th straight season, they will not win a playoff round. They have only once had a series that went past Game 5, that coming three years and three coaches ago under Jimmy Hulton (who was fired for having the temerity to take Kingston deeper into the playoffs than it has ever gone during Springer’s tenure).

It was on the Queens student station that Mavety is getting a new contract. It is simply unbelievable. Mr. Springer, sir, the fans are fed up. The fatcats might keep the suites filled on Friday nights and the Announced Attendance might be inflated by no-show season-ticket holders, but with people everywhere tightening their belts due to the recession, do you think people are just going to keep spending money to watch the Frontenacs when the one person (make that two) who stand in the way of the team ever achieving true success still wield way too much power (which is to say, any)?

The media who refer to the team as “Dougie Gilmour’s Kingston Frontenacs” might be fooled, but that’s about it. Do we need to go over the fact that Kingston, coming into this weekend, had only a .467 winning percentage since 1997-98. That’s even lower when you consider they lost two of three this weekend and that counts all the points for losing in overtime and in shootouts.

You might say that, well, every GM is entitled to a do-over on a bad decade. You could also say that Mavety is the second-best GM in the OHL. The other 19 are tied for first.

However, it is impossible to ignore how Mav’s taint was all over today’s loss. Kingston, truthfully, was Fronteknackered, playing their third game in 3 days with only 17 skaters healthy enough to play (a lot of Junior A and Junior B teams are done their seasons, why couldn’t they find someone to AP?). Still,  the same trademarks of Mavety’s terrible coaching were all over the place: Bad penalties, scrambly defensive zone play, getting pushed around physically (Taylor Doherty got bodychecked into the London bench at one point).

As an all-time topper, former Kingston draft pick Justin Taylor had a hat trick for the Knights en route to a five-point afternoon. Taylor was a mid-round pick by Kingston who never reported. He was traded for not much and now has 34 goals this seaosn, which needless to say would lead Kingston.

There isn’t much to say about the other games. Kingston players are honestly giving it all they’ve got and that keeps them in games, along with the fact teams only skate as hard as they have to in order to beat Kingston (and sometimes they don’t, see Peterborough on Friday night). However, Mavety staying on is bad news. What is there to aspire to? Eighth place and getting blown out in the first round bo Ottawa, Belleville or Brampton in 2009-10?

All hope is not lost. Maybe it’s hollow, but all they need is Doug Springer to stand up and say, “I’m not perfect, I’ve been wrong and we need to go in a new direction.” Let Larry Mavety go off into retirement. Perhaps the Limestone District School Board needs a substitute teacher who can teach Grade 8 history. He can tell the kids why Custer was actually a brilliant general, why the Titanic’s maiden voyage was a success save for the whole hitting the iceberg part and not having enough lifeboats part. Maybe he can touch on Nero’s fiddle-playing, using Doug Springer as a modern-day example.

The ex-Devil went down to Kingston,

LK

Whither Cogeco?

I guess I wasn’t the only one who noticed, but Cogeco put the wrong game on TV tonight. Instead of seeing the Frontenacs lose to Sarnia 2-1, viewers in Kingston were treated to the Barrie-Sudbury game. Really… who gets Barrie and Sarnia mixed up?

I could make an obvious joke about how Barrie is the only place you’ll see career Frontenacs succeed (Brittain and Stevens), but we’re above that here at Save The Fronts.

So anyway, thanks to that technical muddle (thank god tomorrow’s game is on national tv), I got re-acquainted with the team radio broadcast on FM 96.

And immediately wanted to hit somebody at Cogeco for forcing me to turn to them.

Please feel free to tell me if these are symptoms of all professional radio broadcasts, but a nearly unwatchable team deserves something better than Kingston’s unlistenable radio team.

Jim Gilchrist’s inability to identify players has been a thorn for years that we’ve all casually overlooked. But it’s seriously exacerbated when the station always, always, returns to action late. They missed the first goal by Sarnia, and a few seconds later we were treated to this classic wordsmithing: “Shot there score from Kingston.”

With no excitement whatsoever. Even when they succeed it sounds dull.

But Gilchrist is generally no slouch when it comes to handling a broadcast on his own. Given the caliber of his supporting cast, it would be great if it truly was only him. Instead, we’re treated to FM 96′s “finest” anytime he’s not on the air. The intermission newscaster who tells us “sports is next” and then proceeds to a weather report. The completely lost-sounding out of town scoreboard girl who keeps us up to date on how “Brampton Battallions” are doing before proceeding to “thuh NHL”. Not to mention her continuing love affair with the overuse of the words “slamming” and “clobbering” to describe any lead bigger than one goal.

Not to mention the endless, endless, endless repeating of the riff from Back in Black. It’s enough to make you want to throw your radio out the window.

Thank christ for Cogeco. Yeesh.

Recovering from another Saturday night,
Lavid Ding